Emotions

Emotions

   Well my dudes, get ready because this one may get personal. Please understand that this particular post is not an easy one for me to write, let alone share with anyone who just happens to read my page. Truth be told, none of the things that I have posted or will post are particularly easy for me to do. Starting this blog was something that I thought about for quite some time. I talked to one of my best friends about it, and he pretty much said I just needed to suck it up and do it. Yet, here I am, four weeks in, and still struggling.

   So, why, you ask, do I even do this in the first place? Let me tell you right now it is not because I think of myself as a 'great' writer by any means. In nearly 21 years of living my life, I have come to realize something about myself; I suck at emotions. I realize that is a pretty vague statement so let me elaborate.

   When I was younger, there were a lot of things about others, girls specifically, that I just didn’t really relate to. I have always been pretty straight up tomboy, a country girl through and through. I prefer jeans over dresses, I’m not so good at the whole makeup thing, I would rather spend my night in a field under the stars than at any fancy restaurant. That’s who I’ve always been. That’s how I was raised, and I love that part of me.

   One thing about girls that I think is generally the consensus, is that we are typically pretty emotional. Girls overthink and analyze every little thing that happens to them in a day. Girls laugh even when it’s not that funny. Girls cry even when it’s not that sad. Sometimes girls do both at the same time, even if they don’t know why. Girls care about the little things and the big things. I noticed these things just like everyone else. But the thing about me is that I couldn’t always relate in the most personal way.

   My sister and I often joke about how different we are when it comes to these things. For instance, she cries, on average, about once a day. I, on the other hand, cry about once every six months. She stresses over every little thing, whereas my mom used to tell me that I don’t stress enough (this was usually in reference to the fact that I waited until the last possible second to do any school assignment). She’s thought about things for weeks that I wouldn’t even give a single thought to.

   Don’t get me wrong, these are very good aspects about her that I admire very much. She was made to be that way for a specific reason, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Those traits often bring out the best in her. She is very honest and real about who she is and that will forever be admirable in my book.

   I’m a little different though. Sure, I am honest with what I think and I’m very real with everyone that I meet. However, I’ve always felt I’m a little different than most when it comes to emotions. I’ve never been so good having those ‘feeling’ things that everyone else seems to have about anything and everything. In the past several years specifically, I’ve really started to notice and realize how out of touch I actually am with my emotions. One could say, I am a bit unemotional.

   If people yell at me because they’re mad, I don’t really take it to heart. If I watch an overly sad movie or hear a tragic story, sure I realize that it’s a sad thing, but the tears never come. If I fall for a boy and he decides to choose another girl, I just tell myself to move on; don’t be the girl that gets brought down by a boy. If life gets tough, suck it up and press on. Sounds pretty heartless right? Well, I told you it might get personal, so that’s my truth. It’s not that I deliberately choose to deal with life’s issues in an unhealthy way or anything, it’s just, I usually don’t even realize that there is something I even need to deal with.

   That is why I started writing in the first place. I honestly don’t remember when I first started writing or when I realized that it helped me with my inability to deal with real human feelings in any way. I know it was around the same time that I first started college when my entire life was changing. I know it was a late night, another one of my personal issues is having an inability to sleep when normal people do. So, don’t judge me if the large majority of my musings come about at 3.a.m. Now, here I am, starting this whole blog thing even though I feel crazy inadequate every time I post/write something new.

   These things that I write help me to actually understand what the whole point to these ‘feelings’ are. It gives me space to bring out what God internally speaks to me. Without getting too cheesy, I do believe that there is a significant amount of truth to the saying, “Life’s too short to hide feelings”. The cool thing is that there is an infinite amount of ways that people are capable of doing such a thing. My sister cries and screams to let out her inner feelings. Me, I write.

   This often becomes more of a struggle when I don’t actually realize that I am feeling the feelings. But I am working towards dealing with life and all that it brings in a way that doesn’t completely destroy me from the inside out. When God created humans, he created us with emotions and feelings; it is pretty incredible that he chose to make these things apart of our innate beings. I believe God has given me this outlet and if it can be used to make an impact on others, how can I say no to that?